Just give it time.

Will there ever be a day when I don't have to remind myself that Steve is not here? Every day I think about either having him over, telling him funny things about Jocelyn, or I think about that strange dream I had and remember it was not a dream. Every day my heart sinks. I know it has only been six months. But I am realizing now I will forever be dealing with things I never in my life thought I would.

I, and we will always have a hole in our hearts and lives.
I will always have to explain to our children who their uncle is. Even then, they won't understand
My husband will always be missing his brother, and will never be the same again.
And I will never be the same again.

While everyone changes, this is not a change I would ever wish to go through or wish for someone else to go through. I only hope and pray that things can go up from here. Because fright now, they are very, very low.

Little Things

Things have been tough. I think it is difficult when you hope and pray to be able to not feel the hurt or miss him so much. But, as much as I hate saying it, I don't think that will ever go away. That has been hard to accept. I have been praying, and even asked my parents to help fast that we can find something, an inkling of peace. A few days after that I grabbed my scriptures and found this verse.

"But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions."

This life, now more then anything, has become a great trial of patience. So now, I pray not for peace, but for patience for that day when we can rest from our afflictions and be with Steve again.

"Where can I turn for Peace? "

This last week was a tough one at times. Especially for my husband. It led me to wonder how and when peace is found in a situation like this. I believe we all felt some form of piece in the week after. But I also feel that much of that has worn away as life has continued and we have not been able to just sit and be together.

In this search I emailed a friend who lost her son a few years ago. ( my hometown has been hit in the worst way in losing youth. Kind of strange) In short I asked her how she found peace.

Her answer told me plainly that it will not come right away. It cannot come right away and will most likely not come for at least a year. Only through A LOT of scripture study, prayer, temple visits and time can peace be found.

It makes sense, I guess I just hoped it could come immediately and all would be well. But it can't. I can be ok with that. She also said that, though talking about him and talking about life without him is the last thing we may want to do, it helps. I guess this is why I am writing here too. I am hoping this will help.

Steven

Just a preface for now. I may or may not keep this. I may or may not open it to anyone else who may want to write. But for now it is for me. Why not just a journal? Because I feel if some stranger reads it, it is like I am really sharing this with someone. And someone who will not be hurting the way I do when I talk about it.

Steven is my brother in law. He was 19 when he took his own life. It is hard just to type that.

In the last 6 months I have been working full time, become a new mom,and been a wife, sister in law and daughter in law who has been grieving this loss.

I am lucky because I know that we are an eternal family and will be with Steve again. But missing him now is hard. And this is why I have this blog.